So I think you all know I got a new loan horse this spring.
To be honest I was reluctant about the whole thing from the very beginning. It took me 3 training sessions to realize something is off, and another 3 completely disastrous sessions to realize it's not going to work out. I spoke to my trainer about it who blamed the fails on the fact that "I decided it won't go well in my head" and wouldn't hear about it. I asked him about 3 times (at least) to find me a new loan horse, I said I couldn't ride this one, that we just don't click but he didn't listen to me at all and forced me to continue riding this guy.
The first show we had at home of course went well because it was at home, then all hell broke loose on our second show, where we were eliminated in both 1m and 1.05m due to refusals. Most of them were due to the fact that he wouldn't even let me steer him or bring him to the jump as I should (and am normally capable of), the rest just to the fact he decided not to cooperate. I tried again the very next weekend, where we entered the 0.8m and 1m the first day. I was so pissed about having to go on 0.8m, I've done it all past season and am more than f*cking capable of getting over it with any horse he decides to give me, it proves nothing and it just made me totally upset that he thought so little of me as a rider. It went okay, one rail down on 0.8m (because he is totally oblivious to rails, can hit his legs hard into the rails and still won't think twice about it, even my trainer calls him "mr. one down" and admits he's the clumsiest horse in our stable). On 1m we had another rail (this one was on me) and a refusal. Next day we went on 1m and 1.05m, with one rail down on 1m and a complete disaster on 1.05m (two refusals, 2 rails + time penalties, about 25 all together I think). We had a huge fight with my trainer that evening as he wanted to send me on 0.8m again the next day and I just wouldn't agree. I thought (and still stand behind this) that it proves nothing and I can't fix my mistakes from 1.05m on a course 30cm lower than that. So I ended up not riding at all.
Now in June, I entered two tournaments, two weekends in a row. In the first one on the first day we had two refusals on 1m, then a clear round on 1.05m (accidentally) and got placed 4th (the horse's first ever clear on the height and first ever placement in his life). The second day we had a clear on 1m but again the 1.05m was a disaster. I don't even know the penalties but I'm guessing we had around 15. The last day we had a rail down on both courses. I just started to feel a little better and gained a bit more hope back after the two clears but it served no purpose ... The second tournament was a total and complete calamity. Our best round was I think at 12 penalties, while the rest went from 12-25, and we were also eliminated once. Out of 5 rounds only the last one was without a single refusal.
We just keep going around in this circle of: things going okay > things turning for the absolute worst > me losing all hope and mentally breaking down > me absolutely forcing myself to continue > things going okay > things turning for the absolute worst ..........
And things are never even going great
I planned on starting this season on 1m and 1.05m and moving up to 1.10m somewhere around the third tournament. Five have now passed and I am nowhere, not even close to 1.10m, if not to say I'm even further away. It just bugs me so, so much that I haven't progressed at all, I haven't learned anything new on this horse and I actually feel like my riding just gets worse and worse.
I've spoken to my trainer about it just two days ago and he still disagrees, still claims it's all in my head and claims we have one good show, than one bad show. But in reality, I don't see good shows at all. Unless he considers 3 rounds with 12+ penalties good?! Yes, the two clears were good, but the rest were absolutely horrifying. And it feels really unfair than some other people can get a new loan horse as soon as the previous one has ONE single bad round at a show, while I am stuck with this idiot for half a year now and we keep having one failure after another.
I'm now not even sure if my trainer just doesn't actually see the problem or if he keeps pretending to not see it (I believe it's the second). He told me that he currently has no other horse with which I would "click", but does he not see it's hardly possible to click worse than I and my current horse do?! How can he just "know" I won't function with any horse he has if he's never even seen me try any horse at all?! He hasn't even seen me on any horse other than my previous loan (the grey one) and this one. He actually told me last year that the grey one was more difficult to ride than my current one, who was ridden by his brother last year. So if I managed to ride a more difficult horse better than his brother was able to ride the easier horse, why does he have so little faith in my riding abilities to not even let me TRY a horse or two?! I just don't get it. All this while some other girl can get a previously 1.40m placed horse who jumped 1.20m all past season after her previous (who was totally okay) just had one bad round with her?! She pays exactly the same as me so one can't assume it's about money, and she is in my opinion a much less experienced rider and quite under my level.. however she currently competes the same as me because she has a horse that has a lifetime of results, while my horse's best result on 1.05m is the clear I had with him, his best on 1.10m is one down and his best on 1.30m is 40 penalties.
And guys, please don't get me wrong about one thing. I've grown incredibly attached to the horse. As far as personality goes, I really, really like him. And I even think he likes me back (as he often attempts to "groom" me like he would a fellow horse). I could spend a lifetime with him while on the ground, we get along amazingly. But as soon as I sit in the saddle, it's all wrong. I just can't ride him to save my life, he just doesn't fit my riding style, and I don't fit him as a rider. I know it may sound spoiled and Idunnowhat but trust me, if I would be a spoiled brat, I wouldn't be having this problem. I would probably have enough money to get me a pushbutton horse for 1.30m and could go and win the nationals, and after ruining said horse, I'd just get another new one. Money is a funny thing, isn't it? A piece of paper that seems to control our lives. And I know I may sound negative about it, but I'm generally a positive-attitude person. I need solid evidence to start believing something won't work out, and I have gotten more than enough.
UGH I am just so frustrated by all of this on a daily basis .. so frustrated it actually drains all of my energy and happiness, not to mention all desire to do anything with my life, for example draw. I literally come home and go to bed, trying to fall asleep asap as to avoid having to deal with this (me dealing with my problems can sometimes turn bad .. very bad). Sometimes I even go as low as drowning my emotions in crappy literature (you don't even want to know) just to escape from the fact I have to go to the stable, ride one of the few horses on planet Earth with which I just don't "click" with and have a bad ride week after week while all the others get something else to ride as soon as something doesn't quite look right. I know I could bring together a few really, really good rounds on even 1.10m with the right horse, but I'm just not given the opportunity. I don't know what's going on in my trainer's head, but if he expects me to go clear on 1.05m and 1.10m on a horse who had maybe a handful of clears in his entire life (2 clears on 1m before I got him and a few more on 0.60m and 0.80 but those don't really count and THAT's f*cking IT), well, he is most certainly wrong. How can he not see he's just not the type of horse for me?!
Another sad thing is I can't leave this barn. It's due to money. My finances are extremely limited and while we can manage at this barn, we couldn't in any other near my town. So I'm stuck here, where my word and my feelings are apparently worth nothing.
I really don't know what to do. And I'm not even asking for advice, I just need to get all of this out of me, as I have absolutely no one I could tell this to (sucks to have friends that are all spending their summer somewhere out of town with their bfs and would remain oblivious if I slit my wrists).
I hope you guys are having a better summer than me and I hope you've been so smart as to have dedicated your time to something that will actually pay off for you
As for me, it doesn't look like I'm going to get much drawing done this summer after all